Rachel and Leah and Goats

So much of the Bible is weird to me; talking donkeys, people cutting off ears, people dropping dead, people being turned to pillars of salt.  Half the stuff, I’m looking in the notes trying to figure what the heck that was I just read.  “Life Application” my butt.  If anybody comes looking to cut off my ear, I’m running. 

But I had another a-ha moment the other day where I finally understood something. We were reading the Jesus Storybook to the kids; we do that every night, and woe be unto you if you are tired and want to skip it. This story happened to be about Rachel and Leah.  It's in Genesis 29 and it talks about Jacob, who goes to work for his Uncle Laban.  Jacob works for Laban, and in return, Laban asks him what he wants for wages; he wants to marry Rachel because she's just so beautiful, he can’t stand it.  "²⁰ So Jacob served seven years to get Rachel, but they seemed like only a few days to him because of his love for her."  Men are like that.  Wave some booty and they fall apart.  Ask me how I know.

So Laban says “Work for me for seven years and you can marry Rachel.”  Jacob does that, he works for seven years, and on his wedding night Laban sends Leah to his tent, not Rachel.  Now I guess it's pitch black dark in there, I don't know, and nobody talks (which I find hard to believe), but somehow he doesn't realize that it's Leah that he got, not until the early morning, after they've already done the nasty. And then Jacob goes to Laban all worked up, saying, “I served you for Rachel!  What the heck?”  (This is kind of like the Message.  “Dude, what up, you jerk!”)

Laban says, “We don’t give the younger daughter away first.  Work for me another seven years and I'll give you Rachel.”  No explanation for why he couldn't have said that up front, why he sneaked Leah in there.  No Steve Urkel, “Did I do thaaaat?”  Seven MORE years until Jacob gets Rachel, like Laban couldn’t have ever MENTIONED the fact that the oldest goes first?  For Pete’s sake, I’d have given you an extra cow if I’d known that, you know? 

The Bible says that God saw that Leah was not loved. Now it doesn't say what's wrong with Leah, other than she has “weak eyes,” it just says that she wasn't loved.  And we already know that Jacob didn't want her. I don't know if she had horns or was just butt-ugly or had some giant disfigurement or what her major malfunction was.  Apparently the main issue was that she wasn’t Rachel.  I try to imagine what she must have felt like; not being loved or wanted, married to her cousin (ew).  I don't think I'd have a happy life if I married somebody who straight up said he didn't want me. But the thing that I'm struck by is that through Judah, Leah’s son, came the line that would give us Jesus Christ.  How crazy is that.

I’ve heard that when we suffer or when bad things happen that we can't see the big picture; that only God can knows the purpose of our suffering.  Sometimes bad things or disappointing things happen in your life and you’re crushed, and maybe later you see how that worked out for good, days or years or whatever.  Example.  When we were just moving back to Jax, Dallas was promised a job. Then suddenly they decided to offer that job to someone who had less experience but also was cheaper. At the time, and for a few months later, he was devastated because he was counting on that job and he was really looking forward to working there.  But out of that disappointment came the job he has now, which he absolutely loves.  And through which we've been blessed to meet some very special people.  Later he was fine with not getting that job, because he enjoys what he's doing so much; God had something better.

But Jesus came through the line of Judah, and obviously Leah had no idea about that, that was WAY down the line.  She spent her entire life knowing she wasn't loved, with her weak little eyes and her horns and whatever.  The most awesome thing that came out of her life, and she never saw it!  She never had a clue, she’s just living her unlovable life, popping out a bunch of children and selling herself for mandrakes.   It's just one more reminder that even though I don't always see it and I can't understand it, I have hope that there's a larger purpose at work.  Ya just never know.

Minor epiphany aside, I'd like to leave you with a conversation between my three children. Yes I said three.  Eli is half mine, just like mine are half Sandy and Ron’s.  Eli came to spend the night the other night and on the way home they were all just being crazy, so I told them they should play the alphabet game.  We do this a lot in the car, mostly just to keep the kids occupied in the car so they don't drive me crazy, and here's how it goes.  For each letter of the alphabet, you have to think of an animal you're going to ride on, a place you're going to go, and something you're going to buy when you get there. This is the conversation.

Carter:  I'm going to ride a...

Eli:  Goat!

C:  No, hush, I’m thinking. 

Lots of giggling.

C: I'm going to ride a…

E:  GOAT!

C:  No, I don’t want a goat, I’m going to ride a….

E:  GOAT!

Hilarity ensues.

C:  Hush, Eli, I’m going to ride a gorilla.  And I’m going to go to…

E:  Georgia.

C:  Not Georgia.  G…g….g….guh guh…guh…

E:  GEORGIA!

C:  NO!

E:  GEORGIA!

C:  FINE!  I’m going to Georgia.  Mama, Georgia is G, right?
Me:  Yes, you can go to Georgia.

C:  Eli won’t hush.  Eli, hush.  *sigh*  I’m riding a gorilla and I’m going to Georgia and I’m going to buy a….

Sarah Cate:  A GOAT!!

Extemporaneous jocularity commences.

Randomosity

Good grief.  It's about a thousand degrees.  I'm hahhht.

One week Dallas was off, so we took the kids downtown to ride on the sad little Skyway that cost the city 40 quadrillion dollars that nobody ever rides.  But they love it, and it's kinda handy, but it doesn't go anywhere but downtown.  How pathetic is that.  We got to eat lunch at the Southern Grille, where our beloved Miss Jill works.  On the way Carter and Sarah Cate peppered me with questions:

"How many wheels do really big trucks have?"

"Why do they have two wheels next to each other?"

"Is that a Z or a U truck?"  (I used to work for CSX, and we learned that trucks with codes on the back that end in a U are containers; Z means a trailer.  Ever since I told Carter that, he is obsessed with finding the codes on the back of big trucks.)

"How many cylinders do cars have?"

"What's a transmission?"

"Why do trains have so many cars?"
"Why isn't the caboose red?  It should be red."

"I love this bridge!  Can we turn around and go back over it?"

"How do helicopters turn?"

Constant questions.  Some of the car questions, I'm like, Can't we just call Papa and ask him all these?  I don't know how cars go or what a carburetor does or why gas stinks or any of the other myriad of questions I'm asked on a daily basis.  The best I can do is, Let's Google it.  Dear Lord, we thank you for Papa and Mr. Google and the internet.  Amen.

I'm going through a mid-life crisis.  Since Carter was born I've been doing volunteer work somewhere; first it was with Department of Children and Families, a few in the middle, and now the mission I told you about.  I know my job is important to companies, they need what I do, but I feel like I'm not doing enough for people who really need a hand up.  Not that I think I can save the world or that I want a career in social work so other people's problems can suck the life out of me; I just think that the work I do that really counts is about at 5% vs. the paycheck I bring home is 95%, and I need it to be more like 50/50.  Over the last year or so, it's really become a compulsion.   I'm a relatively intelligent person, I got MAD SKILZ, surely I can find a position somewhere at a non-profit or a hospital or something; I don't have to be a missionary in Outer Slobovia.  But, I love the people I work for.  Seriously, there are not better bosses out there; I have the absolute best.  I don't particularly want to leave them.  And I still need a paycheck.  But I've got to do something or I'm gonna DIE.

So I'm looking into other avenues.  I don't know what that is, or what it's going to look like, but I'm hoping I'll know it when I see it.  I don't know how long it'll take, to find that THING.  But I'm willing to wait for the right THING, whatever that is. 

I met some more folks at the mission that I can tell you about.  There's Mike -- he was in phase 2, where they go to work on the farm, and he got colossally drunk one night and they kicked him back down to Start.  At least he's stayed in the program.  I sat down to talk to him and a guy named Bo, and Mike said, "I feel like I recognize you."  So I was like, "Really. I must just have a familiar face."  And he goes, "No, you look like my buddy's old lady."  Seriously?!  Who says that any more?  I gotta check with the old lady before I go out drinking tonight.  Isn't that from like, the 1950s?  I look like somebody's old lady.  How NICE.

I  met Joseph.  He told me he doesn't want to talk to anybody else about why he's there, but he wants to talk to me because he can tell I'm a Christian.  How he can tell that I don't know; I slop food around and clean tables, the hallmark of every God-fearing person, I guess.  He told me he's drunk most of the time and he finally decided he can't take it anymore.  His girlfriend tells him he comes home and yells at her and throws stuff around, and he doesn't remember any of it.  But he told her he was going to the mission, and she's so proud of him so he's trying to stay.  He said, "Look at my eyes, can't you see the bags under them?  I can never sleep when I'm drinkin'.  They're usually worse than this."  So I told him he has to stay, his girlfriend knows what she's talking about; he needs to be here.  He said, "yeah, okay, I might do that."  And I'm like, "NO.  I mean it.  YOU HAVE TO STAY.  I'll be here next week, I expect to see you.  If I don't see you I'm gonna hunt you down."  And he gets this huge grin on his face and he says, "Yes ma'am."   Guess what happened the next week -- no Joseph.  No Joseph since.  His girlfriend took him back.

Matt (the one that said his big belly was prettier than having track marks) went to the hospital for a week; I don't know for what, but Nehemiah said he called every day, so I was hoping he'd come back.  Not only did he not come back, he took somebody in the program with him.  Grrr.

And still no Cameron or James.  *sigh*

Next time I'll tell you about Cowboy, because he's had an amazing life.  And Nehemiah, because he's embarking on an amazing life.

But let me tell you what happened today.  I went to a volunteer project management class through one of the local service organizations.  I walked in to the class, and it was in a conference room with only one other girl.  Another girl came in, in a black dress.  Then a few minutes later a guy in an orange shirt came in.  Then two guys who were leading the class came in.  And we all sat there chatting before the class was supposed to begin, until Black Dress says, "I have to tell you about the weirdest thing; I was coming here, looking for a place to park, and there was a lady walking around the parking lot.  I stopped to ask her if she needed anything, and she said 'I'm looking for a way to kill myself.'"  We all just looked at her, and then Orange Shirt says, "Yeah, I saw her too, right out front.  I asked her if she needed anything but she said no."  So here I am thinking, I must have misunderstood.  So I said, "She's out there, wandering around, and she said WHAT?"  Black Dress repeats her story, and I said something like, "We've got to go get her."  I don't remember exactly what.  So I stood up, grabbed my phone, and went off into the parking lots looking for her, and the rest of them are just kind of following me around.  Long story short, we couldn't find her, and I couldn't find her later just driving around in the parking lots after the class, but WHO DOES THAT?!  Who talks to someone who says "I'm looking for a way to kill myself," and DRIVES OFF!  Then you sit in room full of people for 10 minutes before you say something?  ARE YOU KIDDING ME??

People are INSANE.  Freakin' insane.

Stuff and Things

Yes, it's been a while since I've updated but since nobody but me ever reads this, it's hardly a travesty.  And really you haven't missed much.

So summer's here.  The kids are out of school.  Carter is very excited about this; Sarah Cate not so much because she's missing her friends.  And Mrs. Graham and Mrs. Taragjini, her teachers from last year that we had to say good morning to and goodbye to every single day THIS year.  They've been in the pool practically every day since we put it up in May.  Me, I'm working.  Dallas is working.  We have responsibilities.  We don't get to play in the pool every day, which sucks.

But there's this new thing I'm doing that I wanted to tell you about.  And I kinda wasn't sure I wanted everyone and their brother to know about it, but now I do because I really think there's a huge opportunity here for you people who pray.  I've been volunteering at the Trinity Rescue Mission in downtown Jacksonville.  It's a homeless shelter for men and women and children, but with a Christian bent.  I serve dinner and clean the kitchen and talk to everybody.  It's not any different than anything I do at home but they say thank you.  There's the difference.  Anyhow, now that I've had a chance to get to know some of the guys there, I really think they could go on your prayer list.  

Everybody who's in the "program" has a job every day and their day is scheduled down to the minute.  They don't leave the shelter and they don't have visitors and they don't talk to anyone who's also not in the shelter.  They start the day with a Proverbs Bible study, then they eat breakfast, then they work.  They have a different guest pastor every night give a sermon and they do music  before they eat dinner.

There's Cameron, who worked in the kitchen.  Cameron was from Tampa but had moved around to several states, "following girls," and ended up in Jacksonville with nowhere to go, high on I don't know what.  He'd been in the program for 50 days -- which means he was more than halfway through it, and clean for 50 days, and on his way to the next phase, where he'd get more freedom.  One night we were serving dinner and he said something about another guy and I asked him, "Who?" and he said, "That guy that just came to the door totally trashed."  One of the other guys in the kitchen, James (who's about nine feet tall) said, "Yeah, he used to be in the program but he just walked out one day and now he's just an overnighter; he's trashed all the time."  Cameron then said, "I don't mind seeing him like that because it reminds me how close I am to being trashed all the time.  Everybody here is one day away from that."

The next week Cameron was gone.  Apparently something happened, I'm not sure what, and they kicked him and James out.  All I could gather was "not following the rules."  He hasn't been back as an overnighter (just someone who comes in for dinner and to sleep; they make them leave in the morning).  I'm praying he comes back.

There's Matt.  He's 34 days sober and says, "I just try to follow the rules so they don't have any reason to kick me out."  He's gained 30 pounds in the month he's been in, but he says "my gut is prettier than track marks."

There's a guy named Warren who says, 'but you can call me Cowboy."  Because he was a cowboy.  He rode bulls on the rodeo circuit.

And then Mike.  He looked so sad sitting at dinner that I asked him if he was okay.  He sighed and said, "Bad day, I guess.  Bad week.  Bad life."  Apparently he's in construction and had a job, but there wasn't enough work.  He lost his house and his car.  We talked for a little while, he asked me to pray for him to get a job, and then by the time he left to go to bed he was smiling.  

So pray for these guys if you do that sort of thing.  Life's a little rougher for them right now.  Maybe next time I'll tell you about someone else.

How Much is Enough?

Mary Poppins said, "Enough is as good as a feast."  I struggle with that, even though I think it's true.  Food and money are my weak points -- I always want more of both.

We just finished a couple chapters in our Bible study on contentment and giving, more specifically grace giving, and the chapters covered things like using resources wisely, what belongs to God and what belongs to you, tithing, being happy with what you have, etc.  I don't know about you but these are areas I've always needed help on, especially since having children tends to be a rather expensive endeavor.  They're not cheap, and I want them to have everything they need and a few things they want.  But there's a balance that must be struck, and there's a message you want to send.  They pay attention to how you spend your money, whether you think they do or not.

I recently watched an episode of Hoarders.  It followed the story of two people who just couldn't help themselves with acquiring STUFF.  One lady used copious quantities of coupons to get hundreds of dollars worth of stuff for something like $1.98.  Which I heartily applaud; any time you can lower your grocery bill like that, I genuflect in your approximate direction.  I have nothing whatsoever against using coupons, either -- I use them when I have them and I dearly love that whole buy-one-get-one free concept.  But this lady clipped EVERY coupon she saw, and bought hundreds of dollars worth of deodorant.  Scads of cans of artichokes, gaggles of green beans, prides of soda, armies of bug spray, flocks of toilet paper.  Then she brought it all home and just stacked it in piles (because the shelving, or cabinets, or wherever you put stuff had long since been buried in stuff).  How many artichokes CAN one eat, anyway?  Another lady shopped consignment sales and thrift shops, and I think her issue was just that she loved getting a "deal."  She walked around her house and could tell you what she paid for just about everything, and it was $1 - $2 type stuff.  She loved buying purses; I couldn't tell you how many she had.  Maybe a hundred?  She would go to thrift shops and pick up anything.  It didn't seem to matter what it was or whether she needed it, it was just whether or not it was a "good deal."

I think most of the people on this show have mental issues.  Seriously; it seemed like they all had a traumatic event at some point in their lives that they could pinpoint when their problem started.  And I'm not knocking that because I get it, they need help.  But I also totally get the draw of finding a "deal."  When you get something for less than retail price, you kind of feel like you've won.  But shopping shouldn't feed your emotions or fill a hole, and that's where I take issue.  I enjoy a trip to Target as much as anybody (especially without kids; do not judge me), but I have to guard against just buying stuff because it's a good deal, because I think that's where you get into trouble, financially speaking.

Our Bible study talked about contentment, specifically godly contentment, and this is something I strive for and don't always quite make.  It's being happy with what you have, independent of circumstances and conditions.  It's so easy to look at what somebody else has, or is, and find yourself lacking.  Their hair is cuter, they dress nicer, they have a bigger house, their kids have more to play with.  It's also easy to find yourself making up for a childhood where you had nothing.  I spoke to a lady at church about this one time and she mentioned that having grown up during the Depression, she had less than nothing.  When she grew up and got married and had an extra income, she found herself buying things she didn't even need, just because she could.  It filled a hole inside, just having the ability to pay for something.  That minute at the checkout was golden; it made her forget how poor her family had once been, how deprived they were, sometimes of even the most basic necessities.  It was like winning.  But when she got home, she said, the guilt would set in.  She hid how much she spent from her husband.  She was embarrassed at how much she spent, but she couldn't help doing it.  It also didn't help that when she and her husband retired, she had less income but more time to shop, and that was entertainment for her.  She told me she'd rationalize it -- she was buying this for someone else; she had every intention of donating it to charity; the product she had really needed to be replaced.  But she had so much STUFF that the garage was so full they couldn't park in it, and they had to buy a little outdoor shed just to hold all her STUFF, and it was all random stuff that she couldn't remember what it all was until she went out there to look at.  And she's telling me all this like, "Yeah, I know I've got issues but I'm not going to change."

The Bible study had a line, "To be content with little is difficult for us because we fail to trust God to provide what we need.  Instead we worry and plan."  That, and "The more one has, the more one wants."  I find those two statements to hit a little hard, because I think they're true.  It's difficult to truly be content where you are, with what you have, all of the time.  And I'm not saying shopping can't be entertainment, because I think it can.  But when that entertainment becomes a way to fill a need, when God should be the fulfillment of that need, that's where I think you get into trouble.  Or when it becomes a distraction from dealing with something, you know, retail therapy, that's when you have to start paying attention.  Over the years I've struggled with remembering that all my resources are really God's resources; that He's given me everything I "have."  Yes, I work for my paycheck, but who gave me this brain?  Who gave me this job?  Who made me healthy so I could work?

I really have to pay attention when I walk into a store.  Do I really need this?  If I'm buying something for someone, is it something that I think they're going to love because it's perfect for them, or am I letting the fact that it's a really good deal drive my purchase?  Am I buying something because I "deserve" it?  Am I celebrating?  It's really hard to stick to a list, but I try to do that.  I desperately want to ensure that I'm using my resources the best way I can -- and even though I don't always get it right, it's something I keep praying will get easier.  In case you're someone who also struggles with this -- here are some other things I've done, or considered:

1)  Stay out of the store.  You can't spend money if you're not there.  Stay off the internet.  Find something else to do.  Play Candy Crush and tell me how to get past level 162.  BECAUSE IT'S IMPOSSIBLE.

2)  Make your list before you go, and if you're going grocery shopping, don't make that list or go shopping when you're hungry!  And don't take Dallas with you because you will hit the ice cream aisle HARD.

3)  If you've found yourself picking up something you really want and it's not on the list, ask yourself if you really truly want this item.  Do I have something just like it at home?  Why exactly do I want it so bad?  Or is this more of an emotional purchase?  If it's going to make you happy to buy it and then when you get it home you're just going to feel guilty about it, maybe don't buy it to start with.

4)  When you get home, show your purchases to your partner.  It doesn't matter if he/she cares.  Just own up to what you bought.  Except the tampons, because he probably doesn't care about that.  Or the M&Ms.  Because he will eat them.  Hide those.

5)  If you've bought something you really don't need, take it back immediately.

6)  If you're buying something for someone else, consider whether it's something they are missing, really want, would use, and the purpose behind the purchase.  Are you ingratiating yourself to them?  Are you just trying to tell them you love them?  If so, just try saying that to them.  Are you trying to control them?  (EG, buying clothes for your teenage daughter because you think she dresses like a tramp.  Wait -- no, definitely keep the clothes if she dresses like a tramp.)

7)   Review your shopping cart before you check out.  If there's anything in there that's not on your list, chuck it.  Or do what my mom does -- take everything you have just hauled around the store and put it back in some incredibly random place.  (She knows we kid her about this -- and we've all picked up the same habit -- so I'm not talking behind her back.)  Or get this -- take your random things and make piles to freak people out.  A bottle of wine next to a pregnancy test kit next to the baby food.  Put a book about how to take care of your pet snake next to an empty animal carrier with the door open and a flashlight.

8)  Ask yourself if you're shopping because you're bored, or if you're trying to escape something.  I feed my face when I'm bored.  Can you do something else instead?  If you find yourself in stores a lot for this reason, can you do something else, like volunteer somewhere?  Can you find another way to spend your time that benefits somebody?

9)  Do you need to switch currency?  Sometimes paying with dollars hurts more.  It's easier to see that pot of money go down when you have cash in hand, more so than by swiping a card.  Dave Ramsey envelopes, anyone?  Maybe you could pay someone in pennies and make them crazy.  Small victories.

10)  Be aware of the emotional context of the purchase.  Are you trying to fill a need?  Exactly what purpose does the purchase serve?  If you just like the feeling of spending money, can you spend it in a different area?  Can you try limiting your feel-good spending to a certain amount per month?   Allow it, but don't go overboard to the point where you feel guilty about it?

It's so easy to be discontented in this world.  And it's easy to overlook your own inadequacies and own up to them.  But do try to be honest and ask yourself whether you're using your resources wisely and for the right purposes.  Except for M&Ms.  Always buy the M&Ms.

Being "Saved"

And I mean those quotation marks this time, because I'm trying to convey a sense of confusion about what that word means.  See how that works, guys?  Quotation marks can be your friend.  (PS I saw a sign on the way into work -- Your "Hair Styling" Shop!  UGH.)

Carter's 8 now, and has known who Jesus is and that he died on the cross for him since he was 6, and what all that entails.  He's not been baptized yet though, because for a while we weren't sure if he truly understood what being baptized meant, or that the act of being baptized isn't what does the "saving."  He was also very nervous about having to be baptized in front of the whole congregation -- for such an extrovert, sometimes he really can be quite shy.  But he's planning to be baptized in June when our church does a beach baptism, and every once in a while we talk about it.  The other night he said something to Dallas about not being sure he was saved, and since he didn't really have time to get into it with him he told me about it and asked if I'd try to ferret out what Carter really meant by that.

So the other day we were on our way to get Sarah Cate from school, alone in the car (read:  captive audience) and I asked him if he thought he was saved, if Jesus really did die for his sins, and we had a good discussion about that.  Coming from the non-churchy background, I try to explain some concepts differently than Dallas might -- I remember how confused I was about Jesus "living" in my heart when I was little.  I thought he might have a little door and some furniture in there.  Kids take things so literally, and when you've grown up in the church and you're used to the "churchy talk," you forget what it's like to try to explain it in a way that's palatable to people for whom the concept is new.  I had to make my way through all the new terms when I was 28 (like when the heck did "fellowship" become a verb?) and I remember what it was like.  (What's a testimony?  Why can't they just call it your story of how you came to know Christ?  Because it's shorter, I guess.)

Anyhow, I asked him if he had any doubts about whether he was saved, and he said yes, that he didn't know for sure if he was.  So I asked him why, and his answer I think is probably textbook for a lot of new Christians (and maybe old ones too) that, "I still sin sometimes."  He knows Jesus took the punishment that he owed for all the bad things he did up until the time that he accepted Him -- but he was having trouble with the fact that he still messes up even after that.  And of course his version of "sin" is just the times he gets in trouble for stuff -- he knows hurting people and stealing and lying are sins too, but those are mostly things grown ups do and he's more concerned over the stuff he might lose his DS over.

I think this is something lots of people misunderstand -- this notion that once you accept Christ, when you finally realize you can't do everything on your own -- that your life is going to be perfect from then on, or that you will always have perfect behavior.  Yes, your life does change, remarkably.  Yes, you are a new creation -- you're different and you can see it and feel it.  But are you still going to mess up from time to time?  Absolutely.  Are you going to have tough times?  Geez, yes, you are.  You're going to buy a house and spend most of your savings on it and THEN find out that all the air conditioning ductwork is shot and that fancy home warranty won't pay for it.  Are you going to use your resources unwisely and realize you've taking what God has given you for granted?  Probably, at some point.  Will people close to you hurt, go through troubles you can't fix, maybe pass away and leave you to navigate on your own?  Maybe.  What I'm saying is that when you accept Jesus as your Savior, you don't get this All Inclusive Fast-Pass to a Pain-Free Existence.  God doesn't say we're going to have a trouble-free life, but He does tell us He'll be there with us, through the valley of the shadow of death, if it comes to that.

Carter was under the impression that since he still screws up from time to time (has bad behavior, makes unwise decisions, generally acts like an 8-year-old with a little sister), that that somehow erases his salvation.  Or lessens it, somehow.  It doesn't work like that.  Once you're saved, you're in like Flynn.  You don't lose your salvation.  I looked up Romans 8:38-39 and read it to him:

38  For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future,nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

And I asked him if he could think of anything that wouldn't cover.  Seriously, can you?  Maybe up till you get to the "nor anything else in all creation."  Then that pretty much covers it.  So yes, you'll screw up, even after you're saved, and God's not some cosmic Santa who grants you forgiveness every time you do it just so you can run out and do it again.  He doesn't pass out Get Out of Jail Free cards to negate what you just did when you mess up, like M&M's to potty-training toddlers.  But knowing God changes you in way that you almost can't define, and it makes you not want to do the things you know are not pleasing to Him.  You want to ask for forgiveness, and repent of it (another churchy word -- it means you say you're sorry and you truly have no intention of doing that thing again).  You want to give grace to others because now you understand what grace really is.  You want to forgive others because now you know what it's like to be forgiven.  There's no guarantee it's all going to be sunshine and rainbows and snuggly puppies, in fact I can just about guarantee at some point, an unhappy thing WILL happen to you and you WILL do something you're ashamed of, because you're a sinner.  But God has a plan no matter what comes next, and you're in it.  

Once we talked through some of that, Carter understood things a little bit better.  And so I asked him if he had any more questions, and he asked me how car antennas work and what radio signals were.  This is how he signifies that a discussion is over -- there's no blinker for a left-hand turn or even a heads-up that a discussion is over.  It's just a bank to the left and you better hang on.  So I guess we're good till the next crisis.  And now I gotta go look up everything about radio signals so I say the right thing.  (Not that I might tell him there are little people singing in the dash every time I turn on the radio, that would be misleading.  Thanks, Uncle Ken.  I believed that for far too long.)