Anger

I don’t know exactly what I want this blog to be.  If you actually read this, maybe you could give me some ideas.  Or what you want to see.  I just write what I feel like writing about at the time and I figure somebody somewhere is probably having the same problem I am, so something I say might be helpful (either to you or somebody you know).  Or maybe it just might help you understand people who act like me.   Or maybe it just makes you feel better to know, “Man, at least I’m not as screwed up as SHE is.  I had no idea.  That makes me feel SO MUCH better about myself.”  Either way, I’ve provided a service.

So today I’m going to talk about what it’s like to be angry, or what it used to be like for me.  I'm not like this anymore, thankfully, but not because I fixed myself.  I tell you this because there are some people I know whom I’ve never seen angry.  They are just some very zen people, or they’re on something I REALLY need to try, or they hide it exceptionally well.   Maybe you’re one of those people, (in which case, can I have your prescription?) and you don’t know what it’s like to be really just Incredible Hulk annoyed.  But let me tell you, you're going to run into these snotty people, and understanding them a little bit better might help you deal with them.  When I was younger I really struggled with anger, and I was a snot to have to deal with, and even now there are some times when I could cheerfully punch somebody in the throat.  Hard.  With a chair.  But I don’t because I wouldn’t last a minute in jail.  I’m too pretty and I’m scared of conflict.  And orange is so unflattering.

Things that tick me off, not that I’m proud of it, but it is what it is (and keep in mind some are also things that make me angry about myself):

1. Rude customer service people.  If you have to be nasty, don’t be in a job where you have to talk to people.
2.  Adults who act like children, or blame others for their own actions.  Your childhood has passed.  Man up.
3. People who won’t admit it when they screwed up.  That’s part of being an adult.  It’s scary and it takes practice but learn to say I’m sorry.    

You could probably add to that list but those are three that really annoy me.  I try (harder now than I used to) to forgive people for being just as rotten as me, but for those three things I just have this knee-jerk reaction that seriously comes over me before I even know it’s happening.  Dealing with people like this can make me angry, and then continue to carry that attitude much longer than the event that triggered it.  I try (harder than I used to) not to let anybody else see that, but that is something I still struggle with (albeit infrequently now).  That's one of those changes knowing God can make; you can ask Him for help to overcome thoughts and actions you know aren't Godly, and He'll actually help you do it.

When I was young, that knee-jerk reaction of immediate anger and frustration at situations I had no control over just overwhelmed me, and most of the time I didn’t even know what was causing it, much less how to make it stop.  It’s like when your kids are toddlers, and having toddlers is kind of like having really short drunk people in your house.  They’re unpredictable, unreasonable, they fall down constantly, they make huge messes, and you can’t understand a word they’re saying.  They also don’t make a conscious decision about what they’re going to do in the world, the world just happens TO them.  They’ll be playing, happily poking the dog’s eyes or uprooting the houseplants, or emptying the dog food all over the kitchen floor, and suddenly they’re covered in pee.  They had no idea they had to pee, and if they did they only realized it about a nanosecond before it actually happened.  They don’t make decisions about what they’re having for lunch or when they’ll take a nap or whether to use cloth or disposable diapers.  They just have lunch put in front of them, and get put in a crib, and have their diaper changed at the exact time when whatever they’re engaged in is The Most Interesting Thing in the World and they are SO not gonna sit still for that crap.

For me, being angry was a lot like that, from about age 8 to um, 40.  No seriously, it was worst from about 8-18.  I could feel very angry and not have a clue where it was coming from, and I honestly felt like I was the only one dealing with that.  It could have been something that happened that day, but it also could've been something that had happened days ago that I still hadn't gotten over.  It seemed to me either that everyone else was just a naturally perky person who was never bothered by anything, or they were just SO MUCH more well-adjusted than I was.  Probably both.  At any rate since I was the only person in the entire free world with this problem, that meant no one understood it and I couldn’t talk to anyone about it, and certainly no one could help me with it.  An extremely ridiculous thought but when you’re 14 and you’re not sure if you’re supposed to be a kid anymore but you’re not an adult yet and you don’t know WHAT the heck you are, it’s a valid thought.  I handled it by going to my room and staying away from everyone, lest I say something incredibly mean and hurtful, until I got hold of it.  But I knew I couldn't stay in my room forever, and I was afraid that if I didn’t get on top of it, learn to understand it, it would take me over. 

Maybe you’ve got a kid this age, and you’re ready to clock ‘em.  Or maybe you deal with somebody at work like this, or you just went through the drive-thru and your Sonic girl was an absolute SNOT.  Let me tell you how I dealt with it and maybe it’ll help.

When I was a teenager I taught myself to very consciously go through EVERY SINGLE THING that could possibly be making me angry until I identified it, however dumb it was.  And usually it WAS dumb, but because I couldn’t readily identify it, especially if there had been no major event that would normally cause any sane person to be angry.  I had to start from scratch and be very methodical about it.  I’d sit and go through the list:

Did something happen at school today that I didn’t like?

Did somebody say something to me that hurt, or wasn’t fair?

Did I fail a test, or get a bad grade, or get embarrassed about something?

Did I have to wake up too early and not get enough sleep?  Am I really just tired?

Am I hungry?  Or sad?  Or worried about something?

Am I overwhelmed with school or stressed?

Am I afraid of something?

Sometimes it was something dumb like, I didn’t really want to eat those peas but Mom said I had to.  (Thanks, Mom, for making me eat peas.)  Other times it was I hate getting up early or I thought I liked this outfit when I left this morning but now I realize the skirt is too short and I’m feeling exposed.   Or I feel like I'm being misunderstood but I'm scared to speak up.  Or I missed too many questions on that test and I’m going to fail this class and I’ll have to repeat this grade and everyone will graduate without me and I’ll work in the McDonald’s drive-thru the rest of my life!  (I was a teenager.  Life was dramatic.)  Not that I’m disparaging McDonald’s drive-thru workers but that was a summer job for me one year and while it did help me buy my first car, I was hoping for more than that one day.  But until I got more practiced, I really did have to evaluate EVERY SINGLE THING about my day or week, and how I was feeling, and what could really be causing me consternation so I could address THAT and not the object of my anger (which could be anything, from a person to the frickin’ car door that wouldn’t open to the pencil that wouldn’t sharpen evenly on all sides to the homework problem that I couldn’t figure out).  Woe to you if you were in my path before I figured it out.

But sometimes it was a more abstract problem that took longer to ferret out, and I have noticed as I’ve gotten older that these problems are universal, and underlie a lot of why people are snotty.  (Drive-thru girl, I’m lookin’ at you.)  See if you recognize any of these next time you meet somebody who is being a total toad, and try to give them a little grace.  You'd be amazed what it can do:

Control, or lack thereof:  When you’re a teenager you don’t have a lot of control over your life, more so than when you’re a toddler but when you are riddled with emo teen angst and school seems like a really bad soap opera, you feel like you have no control over anything.  I personally like to be in control, which was a stumbling block for me to finding God.  I like things the way I like them and I want to do them my way, even if they’re wrong, and I don’t want to learn from your mistakes, I want to make my own.  I was born with my arms akimbo (it’s a word, look it up).  When I got old enough to live on my own and was making my own decisions and paying my own bills and taking care of myself, this aspect of feeling overridden got easier.  It made me feel good, feel successful, to know that YES! that was a challenge and I met it!  I am capable!  I’m valuable!  Some people don’t struggle with wanting to be in control, but I do, and feeling like I can’t make my own decisions is hard for me.  This is something I continue to try to identify even now, not that I necessarily have the same issue with anger as when I was young but I do have to guard against wanting to take matters into my own hands when I’m waiting on God to do something or to answer something.  (See Sarah and Hagar in the Old Testament, see how well THAT worked out).  Some people just don’t like feeling out of control and it’s hard to admit.  I hate feeling fat and I’m trying to lose weight but it isn’t working.  I want a baby so bad and she got pregnant without even trying so why can’t I?  My wife is divorcing me and I can’t make her love me anymore.  I can’t get my toddler to eat, poop, or sleep.  I’m single and why can’t I find ONE NICE GUY IN THIS WHOLE WORLD WHO ISN’T GAY OR CRAZY?

Fear:  This is a biggie and something I’ve learned to recognize in other people as well as myself.  When I was in high school we had a substitute teacher and she was an absolute HELLION.  Mean for no reason, sarcastic, and just generally a witch.  With a b.  As I’m sitting there getting just really ticked off about her attitude, I suddenly realized she was afraid of us.  And rightly so, I guess, would you want to get in front of 25 snarky 15-year-olds who know everything and aren’t going to shut up and pay attention to you because they can see that you don’t entirely know what you’re doing?  I just taught second-graders last week and they were so sweet and quiet and gave me hugs and now this ungodly flock of hormones is glaring at me just DARING me to make them study quietly!  They can smell fear and I want to go HOME!”  I’ve been angry when really I was afraid of having to give a presentation.  When I was really afraid of disappointing my boss.  When I was really afraid of failing myself.  When I was really afraid someone would see me as vulnerable and take advantage of me.  Carter has asked me, “Why did she call me a tattle-tale?  I just told the teacher when I saw she was hurting somebody.”  Because she was afraid she’d get in trouble, so she lashed out at you.  “Why are bullies mean to other kids?”  Because they’re hurting, and they’re afraid you might see it and think they’re weak, or make fun of them.  So they hurt you first.  Or maybe the person is dealing with something heavy that you can’t see.  My mom was diagnosed with cancer, and I’m scared I’ll lose her.  I’m losing my relationship with my teenage son; he’s turned into this hormonal ball of rage and I don’t understand him anymore.  We can’t pay our mortgage this month and I don’t know what I’m going to do.  See if you can figure out, next time someone’s angry, if you can identify if they’re really just afraid of something, give them grace, and talk them down from that ledge.

Worry or regret:  When you are worried about something, and it’s either not something you can control or it’s something you can’t control yet, sometimes it comes out in other ways.  For me I’d realize I was actually worried about something, and when I finally identified it, it made the anger manageable or completely dissolved it.  I said something today and it totally came out wrong, and now I’m sorry I said it, but I hate to admit it when I’m wrong. I completely lost my temper today.  I have a test/ presentation/ meeting coming up, and I’m nervous.  If you’ve got kids and they’re being a royal pain in the posterior (and they’re old enough to identify and articulate their feelings), ask them if they’re really just worried about or feeling bad about something. 

Next time you run into a toad, and if it's not the Sonic girl that you aren't ever going to see anymore, see if you can take a different approach with them.  Be quiet.  Be a good listener.  Let them know that if there's something they want to talk about, you're there.  If they need a hug, you've got one.  It looks to me like you're upset about something.  Is it anything I can help with?  Grunt. "NO."  Okay, well I'm here if you need me.  Just be available.  Don't take it personally.  It's not you, it's them.  No, I'm serious.  It really is.

Most of all, realize that the toad's feelings are valid, whether the true reasons behind them are readily apparent or not.  When I was very young, before I figured out how to deal with my own stupid self, I thought something was wrong with me, that it wasn’t okay to feel angry much less not know why.  Nobody else appeared to have this problem, and frankly if I could just “perk up” or “get over it” I’d have freakin’ done it already.  Let your kids know -- and realize yourself, if it’s you -- that the way they/you feel is valid, is important, is not to be overlooked – but identify the reason WHY and address THAT, not the symptom of the reason.  (And there’s always a reason; if there’s no reason for your anger or your meanness, that’s called being a psychopath, sweetie, and frankly I can’t help you here.) 

But also teach them that it’s not okay to lash out at others, or hurt others, because of the way they feel.  Teach yourself, or your kids, to resist the knee-jerk reaction (e.g., shoving somebody because they won’t move even though you asked VERY NICELY).  And be prepared to keep repeating yourself OVER and OVER and OVER and OVER, at least until your kids can start to try to do it themselves.  Or they write about it in their blog and you can finally say, “THAT’S what’s wrong with that girl!  I always knew she was flat-out crazy.”  I can see that you're upset about something, but I feel like you're taking it out on me.  I know you don't mean to, but maybe it would help if I gave you some space till you're ready to talk about it.  Pray for them.  Be patient.  Put your own feelings aside for a minute, and pick them back up when you've asked if you can help.  It's not you.  It's them.

So there you have it.  My thoughts on anger.