Grace

For the most part, Carter and Sarah Cate are kind to each other.  They play well together and they have a lot of fun.  But occasionally, and just lately, they have a hard time doing that, and some of it is just because of the difference in ages.  Some of it's because they want to be little snots to each other because they can.  Having been a Little Snot at one point (debatable about whether I still am one), I recognize snottitude. 

Carter is having a hard time understanding why Sarah Cate doesn’t react the same way he does to things, or understand things as well as he does.  I’ve been trying to explain to him that she’s not as mature; that her brain isn’t as developed as his is, because she hasn’t been around as long and hasn’t learned as much.  It’s our job as her mom and her big brother to help her learn things, and to cut her some slack as she learns and makes mistakes, but to continue to be patient with her and help her learn how to be kind and respectful.  But of course all of that doesn’t matter when he asks her to move so he can brush his teeth and she stands there like a 42-pound brick wall, staring at him like I was here first and if you wanna make something of it, come move me.  So of course he responds with A Mighty Shove and she comes to me crying and telling me Carter is a meanie.

So when I get his side of the story, I tell him I understand why he lost his patience, but that he shouldn’t have shoved her, and a better response would have been to have talked to her or come and asked me for help – which of course, at this age I’m not actually expecting he’s going to DO, but one day when he’s 25 and she gives him the Blank Stare of Defiance I’m hoping he remembers this moment and doesn’t give her a swift kick to the pants and send her flying into the wall.  I’m thinking ahead here.

And so he says, and rightly so, “But she’s just STANDING there being all mean and I asked her nicely and she’s not doing what I ask and THAT’S NOT FAIR!”  And there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth.

So I say he’s got to let it go, she’s 4 and he’s 8 and what she did isn’t right and I’ll talk to her, but sometimes we’ve just got to cut each other a little slack.

“What’s ‘cut her some slack?’”

“I mean give her grace.”

“What’s ‘give her grace?’”

“I mean, understand that she’s going to be rude and unkind and disrespectful and forgive her for it, but teach her that it’s wrong and what she should have done instead.  Don’t yell at her, but understand where she’s coming from.  She hasn’t had the time yet to learn all the things that you have.  But she’ll learn just like you did, if we’re patient with her.”

(I try very hard to get these kids to be kind and respectful to each other, because one day there will come a time when Dallas and I won’t be here and all they’ll have is each other.  They’re going to have to keep each other’s best interests at heart and learn to help each other through all the trials and difficulties this world is going to throw at them.  So even if it means I have to count to 10 or in some cases 9 billion and 42, I try not to overreact even if I really just wanna whack ‘em.  Sometimes I succeed.  Other times I run to the other end of the house and come back when the urge to go Defcon 8 on their ungrateful little butts has passed.)

“But that’s HARRRRRDDDD!” he wails at me, and he’s right, it is hard, and I’m trying to figure out a way to make him understand this. 

Flash back to that morning, when I was called upstairs in a Dire Emergency because Carter’s Lego butler man (who is not really a butler, but a spy, and he has a secret hideout that only he can get to and he is on his way there so he can meet with other spies) has been waylaid in his Very Important Mission by virtue of being stuck underneath Sarah Cate’s dresser, an unfortunate accident the result of some wildly energetic driving in his Lego-mobile.  In their attempts to rescue the butler, they tipped the dresser, which caused a picture frame to fall and shatter, and I have been called to come rectify the situation.   I did rescue the butler, and after many “I’m so sorry’s” and “we didn’t mean it’s” and “you’re the best mama ever’s!” I forgave them for breaking the picture frame because I knew they hadn’t done it on purpose and, well, that picture needed to be reframed anyway.

HA!  I’ve got something I can use!  So I reminded him of just that morning when the picture frame broke, and I told him I could’ve punished them for it, but I forgave them because I knew they weren’t trying to be destructive, it just happened.  I gave them grace.

And I told him that I give them grace when they mess up because God gives us grace, every day.  Every time we mess up and do what we know we shouldn’t do.  ¹⁸ For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature.^[c] For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. ¹⁹ For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing.  (Romans 7:18-19)   Paul had the same problem; EVERYBODY has the same problem.  But he keeps going:  ²¹ So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. ²² For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; ²³ but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. ²⁴ What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? ²⁵ Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!

Paul’s telling us that God knows we’re human and even when we WANT to do the right thing, sometimes we don’t.  But He gives us grace, because he loves us, and he wants to draw us closer to Him.  And we’re like that with our own children, too, because we want them to grow up into good, kind people who are not on bell towers with sniper rifles at some point in the future.

⁶ But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says: “God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.”^[a]  (James 4:6)

and

⁵ In the same way, you who are younger, submit yourselves to your elders. All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because, “God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.”^[a (1 Peter 5:5)

Not that I can ever think of those scriptures when I need them; I had to look them up for you by Googling the snippets I could remember.  Don’t be thinking here that I’ve got all this stuff memorized and I spout scripture when my children misbehave.  Not EVEN CLOSE, people.  Mostly I’ve got a vague concept of what I think I heard once when Doug (our pastor) dumbed it down enough for me and I was happening to catch it during the time when I was trying very hard not to fall asleep in church because I stayed up too late watching House of Cards on Netflix (amazingly good show, btw).  See, now you know.  I don’t got nuthin’ you don’t got.  But sometimes I can turn those vague recollections into something my kids will understand, and for that I’m grateful.  And sometimes I just yell, "BE NICE TO EACH OTHER, FOR PETE'S SAKE!"  Yeah.  There are those days.

So he did understand that, because I think he was thinking at the time the picture broke, “Holy crap, how in the WORLD are we getting away with this?!”  And then of course I had to go have the conversation with Sarah Cate about how she needs to respect her brother and do what he asks when there's no reason not to be kind and helpful and blah blah blah.  Crisis averted, this time.

I thank God for those teachable moments.  Heh – moments when He’s teaching ME, not just me teaching my kids.